Of Course Your Child with Special Needs Can Become a Bar Mitzvah

I received a message recently about a parent of a child with special needs. It seems that this parent was unsure that the special needs child could ever become a Bar Mitzvah. Here's my response to the parent:

Recently, Cantor Doug Cotler and I officiated at two different B'nai Mitzvah services of children with special needs. In each case, the parents were sure that their child would never read from Torah, lead the service or become a Bar Mitzvah. Like the few dozen other such families who thought the same, they were overwhelmed and blown away when their child led the service, read from Torah and gave a speech. There wasn't a dry eye in the house!

At Congregation Or Ami, we are committed to the idea that any child of a member who works to the best of his or her ability, has the privilege and right to a Jewish learning experience and to becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. The children participate in a real service, just one that is subtly tailored to each child's unique abilities (which, by the way, is basically what we do for EVERY child).

What does that mean?
Maybe he will read Torah but not Haftarah.
Maybe he will sing the prayers he knows and explain others.

Maybe his service will be before only 15-20 of the closest and then there will be a bigger party.

Maybe he will only chant one verse of Torah per aliyah.
Maybe his Torah portion will be the V'ahavta prayer, which he will already know by heart (the V'ahavta in the prayerbook, comes from the Torah).
Maybe... maybe... maybe...

The keys to it all are three interlocking elements:

The commitment of the Temple to say "YES, this CAN and WILL happen."
The creativity of our B'nai Mitzvah tutor Diane Townsend to figure out ways to get each child to do his/her best. Diane works with me to tailor the service in a way that outsiders would not realize is tailored, but makes your child shine brightly.
The willingness of the parents to let go of their sense that it cannot happen, but instead to believe that yes, my son - just like every other Jewish boy - can become a Bar Mitzvah.

By the way, I have NEVER encountered a child with special needs (at Congregation Or Ami or at my previous synagogues) who could not and did not become a Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

I so look forward to celebrating as your son becomes a Bar Mitzvah. So don't worry. Just say to yourself, "Yes, this will happen." Then breathe...

We can talk more if you want.

Gosh, I wish we could better publicize this message. I wish that all synagogues would realize that there should be NO barriers to children with special needs, especially with regard to Jewish ritual.

Alas, we can only work in our little corner of the world...

The Big Question

2011-08-18T21:35:00.000-07:00

I have been involved in Jewish Education for over 20 years and I have spent a number of those years having a circular conversation with parents. I have seen countless parents struggle with their post Bar or Bat Mitzvah child over “The Big Decision.” Do I continue my Jewish education or do I drop out of the synagogue school? Every year, unlike other secular educational endeavors, the conversation about “continuing on” is reopened. Here are some comments I have heard from parents and my reactions to these comments.

“It is totally up to you Susie – It is your decision”

A big decision – my Jewish future – for a 13 year old! Ask yourself, if you are about to say this to your child, is it really their decision? Are they capable of making this decision or should you make it for them? As parents, we make decisions all the time for our Middle School kids - why not include continuing their Jewish education as one more decision that we need to make? Making Jewish education optional, in any way, makes a clear statement to the child that it is not relevant, not important and gives the child a clear indication of your priorities.

“Rabbi, it needs to be fun or I can’t get David to go”

Teens love debate and grappling with tough issues and concerns. They love to talk about issues that are important to them and they love to have that conversation with their peers and with knowledgeable adults. Let’s stop underestimating them. Ask them what they are learning about, what are some of the questions they have, what new things have they discovered? Ask them if they have made any new friends but don’t ask them if it is fun.

“Jeremy, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to go”

What? If you want them to be a part of the Jewish People, then isn’t continuing with a lifetime of Jewish learning part of the deal? Should they miss soccer practice? They made a commitment – they said “I want to be a part of the team!” They made the same statement about Judaism when they celebrated their Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Give them the message early on that signing up for the team means they have to carry out their part – the future of the Jewish people depends on it.

Please share your comments

CBS Educator

Amen

The Big Question